TRUE CONFESSION: There are times when I think I might stop writing.
This will be my last book, I tell myself. I imagine a life without the creation, editing, publishing, marketing, and headaches which pop up along the way. I disengage from my laptop, dreaming of all the things I could finally do again. Cook elaborate meals which require more time than it does to hit “start”. Bake delicious homemade treats rather than run to the bakery. Enjoy long walks. Remodel my home. Tackle the projects I have happily ignored. Perhaps get a real job. Yes, no longer writing books would equal unlimited free time to pursue other activities.
Whenever I complete a book and share it with the world, a strange feeling overcomes me. The first few months are nice. Peaceful, even. I utilize my new found free time to accomplish the big tasks put off in favor of work. Doctor appointments are made and more importantly, kept. Long overdue housework is done. I read books for pure pleasure (oh joy!). I get our little family organized again. I submerge myself in the process of being a wife and mother again. I pamper myself again. I breathe again.
And then…I become lost. Much like an addict, I fidget and become restless. I need to write a blog post, poem, thank you note, grocery list…something! Anything! Of course, I fight the urge as this is usually during the height of summer when my son is home from school. This is our time, and I allow myself spontaneity to not only enjoy his company but the beauty of the season.
But when the temperatures cool and another school year begins, I cannot help but wonder. Perhaps this will be the year that everything stops? Maybe there is not another story in me, I worry. Or even worse, maybe I will no longer feel the comforting pull to write. This might be it, I think, and in that moment a small amount of relief washes over me. I could be free of it! Yet just as I begin to rejoice, my heart fills with dread because I cannot imagine what my life would be if I was to stop writing.
TRUE CONFESSION: I don’t ever want to find out.